Terms & Conditions Apply by TheSaintsMistress
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/6916502/1/Terms_and_Conditions_Apply
There's only one person on this earth that Edward Cullen hates, and that's his boss...Bella Swan. She's cold. She's ruthless and incapable of human emotion, and to Edward's greatest frustration, the hottest woman walking the face of the planet. Twilight - Rated: M
Review by: AnnaLund http://www.fanfiction.net/u/2307684/AnnaLund
It started (for me) with a tweet from @katinki01 about a hot hot hot hot hot lemon, telling us all to go read it, and LEARN to write lemons like that one.
Well I did. I often follow good advice. At least when it tells me to go read stuff. Especially lemons. Yeah, sue me. Well, this one truly was. Hot, I mean. Sizzling, steaming, and yet, still both elegant and sensual. Blew my mind, it did. Right out the window. (The lemon is in Chapter 24 if you are into in cutting corners.)
But then—after fanning myself thoroughly—I realized that the reason I loved it was that the writing was so good. Like, all the way through. This author could really paint a vivid image. So then I just had to go back and start from the beginning, from chapter 1.
”What?” you all scream, ”having already read the lemon?”
Hell, yeah.
Because it IS that good. The writing. The storyline. The whole thing. The masterfully done lemon is just the icing on the cake. The proverbial cherry.
So, when I got back to the lemon again, (still in Chapter 24, in case you missed my mentioning the fact above) it was just WOW, HOLY, HOT, HOT, OUCH, WOW, WOW, WOW. Because it was suddenly in context, and TheSaintsMistress had worked up such UST that the whole story exploded around me. Of course, I cannot guarantee it, but you are more than likely to go up in flames right with it, too.
Let's face it, there is just NOTHING lamer in the world than a lame lemon. I call them Lamons, and fanfiction stories are full of them.
THIS IS NOT ONE OF THOSE. THIS GOES HOT, AND THEN IT GOES HOTTER. THEN IT GOES NUCLEAR MELTDOWN.
To give you a sense of how the lemon gets underway, here's an excerpt:
“Signs of dehydration:
Thirst
Flushed skin
Dry mouth
Chills
Head rushes
1. Thirst
You know that feeling when you've had a wild night of partying and consuming copious amounts of alcohol? When you wake up from dreaming about drinking gallons of water? You know, that intense need to thrust your mouth beneath a tap and just drink and drink until your stomach bursts or the desperation subsides.
Well, that's what it feels like being kissed by Edward Cullen.
I feel like I've reached an oasis in a desert and just want to suck and lick and consume each drop of wet relief. The craving is so intense that I literally mold my mouth to the source and claim.”
After Thirst, she moves along, through Flushed skin… Dry mouth… Chills… and so on, until the end. Now, sit back a second, and taste those words in your own mouth. I dare you. Flushed skin. Chills. Head rushes.
Yeah.
It is a brilliantly executed lemon, in a brilliantly written fic. You can actually grow as a writer when you read and analyze what she is doing with her words, how she strings them together, one after the other. Or, you can have a lot of fun just speeding through it as a reader. Whichever way you decide to devour this story, it is made of win. Pure win. To think that she is not a native speaker of English just makes it even more brilliant.
Okay, well, now—I've gone on and on about the lemon, what about the story itself, what is it about? Let's see, the storyline says:
“There's only one person on this earth that Edward Cullen hates, and that's his boss... Bella Swan. She's cold. She's ruthless and incapable of human emotion, and to Edward's greatest frustration, the hottest woman walking the face of the planet.”
So, Edward works for Bella—who is an editor at a big publishing house. She is having her parents come visit her, and she has been deceiving them for a long time, telling them she is in a long-term relationship. She needs a stand-in. Pronto.
"You, Mr. Cullen," she practically growls. "I need you to be my boyfriend." Her knuckles turn white as she massages the taut skin stretching over her forehead in frustration.
"Excuse me?" I'm sure that she's finally going off the deep end. Did my boss, the bitch I could hardly stand to face, just ask me to be her…boyfriend?
"I need you to pretend." She pauses for emphasis. "To be my boyfriend, Mr. Cullen. Starting this Monday."
This is of course where the Terms & Conditions Apply… After which hilarity, three variations of crazy and sadness ensue, always balancing on the right side of truly believable, credible, touching and real.
TheSaintsMistress also manages to master the male voice (the fic is written in switching BPOV to EPOV), but without ever falling into ridiculous descriptions of colors like “mauve”, or plastering the fic with descriptions of fashionable clothes and such nonsence. To Edward Cullen, quite the man, blue is simply blue. Remember our good old Rob’s answer when asked the color of his burgundy suit? “Eeeeh… Red…?” There you go. That’s a male voice. Red. Brilliant.
Now, instead of giving you line after line from the fic itself and risk destroying your reading experience—because I want YOU to read it and feel all the goodness first-hand and on your own—I am going to go with a different approach here.
I’m handing you excerpts from actual reviews on the 32 chapters and an Epi. Yeah, TheSaintsMistress uploaded the last chapter and the Epi at the same time as I was writing this very review. How very thoughtful of her.
I’ve tried hard to just use the excerpts that won’t spoil your fun, so you can safely read on. No spoilers here, just a way to show you how this story can reach your mind.
Without further ado, some lines to amuse you and possibly make you want to read the story that has inspired so many of us:
This lemon is seriously the best I've ever read. I think perhaps it needs a warning sign at the beginning. Or free cigarettes. Or something.
Or:
You just keep giving, one emotion after the other. I love it. just love it.
Or:
Just when I think you can't do it better, you go and just Do It.
Or:
I love love loved it. oh man, you write the socks off of me. this edward is to die for. Gah
Or:
I just love how tight they have become, how close everything feels. beautiful. sexy. hot. sweet. supportive. and hot. yeah.
Or:
I love how your Bella takes charge of herself, not just being made come by super-E... No, no, she is taking matters into her own hands, and rocks the socks off him.
Or:
Well done. Now, is there more of this coming? Pun intended.
Or:
Oh boy oh boy oh boy oh. oh. boy. oh help.
Yeah, I believe that’s enough. I think you get the idea.
Truly, TheSaintsMistress possesses amazing skills when it comes to describing a scene so vividly it comes alive in front of you; however, I give her extra brownie-points for her especially-super-special-awesomesauce-skillz for the lemony bits. Oh, yes. It is never crass or icky, it is always sexy as fuck and sensual to the umpteenth power.
I rest my case. Go read it. Now.
I salute you, oh Mistress of the Lemon. Rock my world.
Come again, please?
AnnaLund
Unrequited by Perry Maxwell
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/7446868/1/Unrequited
Edward left Bella almost a year ago, upending her whole world. What happens when Bella receives a phone call that just might shatter it? "Wait, Alice…Edward is dying?" I choked out. Twilight - Rated: M
Review by: Twilover76
All stories we read have authors who have poured parts of themselves into them…whether it be time, creativity, emotions, or all of the above. And then there are the stories based on actual events in the author’s life. Unrequited by Perry Maxwell is a true testament of a writer giving blood, sweat, and tears in sharing their story.
I was fortunate enough to stumble upon meeting Perry in a random WC, and we became fast friends. It’s hard not to love her as soon as you meet her. Aside from her being one of the nicest and most supportive authors around, she’s also uber-talented with her words. It took me about two seconds of reading her not-yet-posted story before I was jumping at the opportunity to be a part of Team Unrequited.
From the prologue, your heart wants to shatter as Bella’s nightmare begins:
"No Bella. This is not my home. This is where I live, but this is not my home. I'm not sure it has ever been my home." He responded with a resigned sigh. I couldn't tell if he was mad or frustrated.
His words felt heavy and obstructive, and my chest responded to their weight accordingly.
Breathing in deeply and finding the courage to speak, I tried to reason with him, convince him that we could move to Dallas together and fix whatever was broken, not that I knew what that was. Didn't he know that my home was wherever he was?
"Okay. If you wanted to go back to Dallas, and you were uncomfortable here, why didn't you just tell me? I can work from anywhere, and we can start looking for houses. I know your parents are there, and so is your brother, and - "
"Bella…stop. I said I'm leaving...not we're leaving." He ran his hand over his face and then returned my stare. His eyes bore into mine as if searching or maybe pleading – no, begging me to understand what he meant without making him say it.
I fell silent as I let the gravity of his words sink in. My lips started to quiver, and my eyes began to water. As tears fell, my trembling lips asked the dreaded question even though the answer could destroy me.
"Edward, don't you want to be with me anymore?" I couldn't even look at him when I asked it. Instead, I stared at my hands in my lap and watched as a single tear turned into a staccato of salty droplets.
He sighed and shifted on the couch, turning to sit side by side with me, his shoulder brushing against mine. Normally, I'd find his touch, his presence reassuring…but not now.
"The truth is, Bella, I simply don't love you as a husband loves a wife," he explained.
Shocked, I turned my head to look at him; he showed no signs of emotion.
No remorse. No regret. No tears.
No reaction to my state of despair.
The Edward I knew would have comforted me; it would have torn him apart to watch me cry. I was sitting next to a complete stranger and looking into the eyes of a man I did not know.
Perry has you gripped from the start, wondering what it was that changed Edward. How could the perfect husband so quickly turn into a monster? How does Bella deal with this level of betrayal and grief?
Chapter one picks up about a year after the prologue…a year after Bella’s heart was crushed and left abandoned by her husband for reasons unknown to her.
"Wait, Alice…Edward is dying?" I choked out.
"Bella? Oh my God. I didn't realize that asshole finally gave you the phone. I'm so sorry you had to hear that," she said in one breath.
"Alice, what's wrong with Edward?"
"Bella, he's in the hospital. Look, there's so much I need to say to you…so much you need to see. Can you come out here?"
"Alice…I…I…"
"Bella, he needs you. I don't know…we don't know how much time he has left. Please say you'll come," she begged me.
I was straining to keep grip on my emotions but was losing control fast. Time seemed to slow down, but nothing could slow the ache in my chest or the tears that inevitably fell. I couldn't form a coherent thought much less a sentence, and I faintly heard Alice repeatedly calling my name. Jamie came to wrap his arms around me and took the phone from my hands as I collapsed to my knees.
"She'll have to call you back, Alice. Listen, she can't give you an answer right now, okay? I'll have her call you when she is ready. Bye, Alice," he said, hanging up and turning his complete attention to me.
"Bella, talk to me."
I turned my watery eyes to him and whispered, "The only man I've ever loved is dying; I have to go be with him."
Bella does go to her ex-husband and not only has to face the man who left her, but also his family. She felt just as rejected by them as she did Edward.
We made it to the hospital in record time, which really wasn't a difficult feat at the ungodly hour of five in the morning.
Carlisle and Esme were already in the waiting area when we arrived. Standing to meet us, Esme opened her arms to me as if asking for a hug. "May I?"
"Of course, Esme. Sorry we had to see each other again under these circumstances."
She shrugged, placed her hands on my shoulders, and pulled away to look me over like a concerned mother. "While it isn't ideal, I still get to see you. So I'll take it. I still claim you as mine, you know."
I didn't want to cry, but Edward's mother's words cut right through me. I missed her. I missed all of them. Yet, no one called me, except Alice. I was hurt; I felt my annoyance and indignation begin to bubble inside me. If I was still hers, why hadn't she or any of them reached out to me? I had assumed that they just took Edward's side in the divorce. Not that there was really a side to take. He wanted out, and I let him go.
What else do you do when someone says they don't want you anymore?
As you read through the chapters of Unrequited, Perry has masterfully blended present-day circumstances with insightful flashbacks. I have never read a story that so seamlessly intertwined the two throughout. With Bella’s memories of earlier times, Perry shows the readers the important background information rather than tells them.
It is hard not to hate Edward, and his family by extension, for the trauma Bella has gone through and continues to go through when thrown back into their world. However, as time passes, Bella learns more about the reasons behind Edward’s decision to leave. I won’t give too much away here, but you slowly start to understand and sympathize somewhat for both sides. Even if you want to strangle Edward’s pretty neck more than a few times.
With only a couple chapters left to post in Unrequited, run and read this amazing story by Perry Maxwell. It will make you cry, laugh, and engage with the characters like few other great stories out there.
Last Call by Robsmyyummy Cabanaboy
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/7596421/1/Last_Call
The past she's struggling to remember is the time he'd rather forget... Can they move beyond the scars and forge a new beginning together or have they missed their Last Call? AH, Rated M for language & eventual lemons. Twilight - Rated: M
Review by: Southern Fanfiction Review
Bella King suffers from retrograde amnesia which resulted from a car accident on her wedding night. The accident took the lives of her new husband and her parents. She's been left with no memories of her husband and only remembers her parents from years ago. She has no memory of her own life during the years leading up to the crash and is desperate to discover who she was.
While visiting a bar called Last Call, Bella and her friend Rosalie run into a handsome bartender. He knows Bella’s drink of choice before she orders it. He obviously knows Bella, but when she goes to the Lady’s Room and Rosalie asks him about it, this is his response:
"Who? Isabella? Hell no! I have a pretty liberal checklist on who I spend time with but kindness to other human beings falls into those standards. I wouldn't have dated your friend for all the money in the world. She was a raging, selfish bitch from the instant I met her until the blessed moment I didn't have to see her face anymore. Does that answer your question? I'm your bartender here and will happily take care of your drink orders for the night. But honestly, there's not one shred of decency in your little friend back there. At least there wasn't when I knew her. And I really don't care to revisit those days, ok? Life's too short, you know? My name is Edward. Let me know if I can get you anything else."
Something tells me Edward is NOT interested in Bella.
Last Call is set on the Southern New Jersey Shore. I asked Yummy (the author) where she came up with the idea for the story. She said she grew up on the South Shore of New Jersey and there is actually a bar called Surf City Pub that reminds her of Last Call. She even told me that a guy she had a crush on in High School has worked that bar and gave her free drinks…I wonder if he looked like Edward…
After talking with Yummy, I also learned that she is a Speech Pathologist, so she works with people who have retrograde amnesia just like Bella. It’s facts like this that make Last Call not only believable, but very enjoyable to read. Yummy gives you facts that are true, but also, very rarely answers all your questions. The UST at this point in the story is killing most of her readers!! But OH What a Way to Go!!!
I wanted to see what some of her readers were saying about Last Call. This is what I found out:
ilive2read: ooohhh this is going to be a mystery for a while isn't it? going to keep me coming back trying to figure everything out lol. Looking forward to the next piece of the puzzle.
Kitty Vuitton: The suspense is killing me FYI. I want to see the fireworks and entertainment from when Edward and Bella finally meet again and he realizes she's completely different lol! Thanks for the early update love
FFLoverLaura: dun dun dun! holy crap so so good! effin love this babe! you knocked it outta the park. this chapter was awesome. gah! cannot wait for more! :)
There are lots of twists and turns in Last Call. Bella ends up dating James (Edward’s Brother), Edward is engaged to be married to Tori. And, oh, did I mention: Edward Hates Bella? Looking at all this, I don’t know how in the world the story is marked E/B. But I promise the two love birds will eventually get together.
Last Call’s beta is Monica Manunta or LaMomo. Yummy told me that she absolutely could not write the story without Monica and that she trust her beta to keep her on track. She said that if she ever felt like she couldn’t finish Last Call, she knew Monica could be there to make sure she stuck with it. I appreciate relationships like this one in the fandom. I think it’s a good thing that we learn we can’t always do it ourselves.
If you are looking for a fun read that keeps you on your toes, you can look no further than Last Call. It is suspenseful, ustful, and a lot of fun to read! We are also promised smokin’ hot lemons (and her readers plan to hold her to that). Robsmyyummy Cabanaboy updates weekly on Wednesdays and she even gives us a teaser every Sunday.
We would love to have you join us Call Girls at The Cabanaboy’s Playground on Facebook. That’s where teasers are posted and there is lots of RobPorn and conversation surrounding the story Last Call. Thank you for taking the time to read my review! I hope you will give Last Call a read, you will be glad you did!
Ride by Kris Salvador
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/6253744/1/Ride
Bella wanted to fulfill a fantasy - to be groped inside a crowded train. She gets her wish and more, when a sex-starved ex-convict decides she's fair game. ALLHUMAN. Mature but with plot.
Twilight - Rated: M
Review by: Crooked Smile http://www.fanfiction.net/~crookedsmile101
This ride is hot. Fast and hard.
A girl.
Curious.
Let’s see if I can.
A man.
Gracious.
Let’s make sure you fucking can. And again and again and again.
"…without warning, he plunged his hand into my skirt and my leggings under it, going straight for my pussy. He started finger-fucking me in earnest, just in and out, in and out, fast and hard. His hand rubbed my clit hard, while it pistoned in and out of my tight, wet, hot pussy and it was insane, so fucking insane. Pleasure, hot and cold, raced all over my body. I didn't know where to concentrate, whether on his long finger fucking me, his breaths, ragged and crazy in my ear or the fact that I'm about to cum in a train full of people. I pressed my ass against his hard cock, grinding it. He pushed against me and I knew he must be dying to ram it inside me…"
Edward is just out of prison.
"Spread 'em, sweetheart."
Bella is a collage student.
"Don't stop. Don't stop. Don't fucking stop. Don't stop fucking."
Their union is hot, fast, hard.
"FUCK! Fuck, fuck, fuck.”
And impossible.
I walked a little faster, not looking back. Whoever it was better not make the mistake of harassing the chief of police's daughter. Everybody knew who I was and I wasn't exactly defenseless. Fuck you, fucker. “What do you want?”
Edward has secrest. Bella has a weakness. Starting with the words;
"Wanna go for a ride?"
"Hold on tight."
Oh God, oh God, oh God!
She tries to stay away.
But he is hard to deny, easy to comply.
And oh so very polite.
"Please, Isabella. Let me fuck you."
And she lets him in. And out. In and out. In and out. In and out.
"Breathe...," he gritted out. "Breathe, dammit."
"No, no more..." The pressure was rising again with him inside me and if I came one more time, I was certain I'd break.
"Just one more, baby, one more." Her skin glowed from exertion, her hair a wild cloud on her head. Gorgeous, just fucking gorgeous.
"One more...just one more..." Too much...oh, God. Edward! Oh God, oh God, oh God.
Life puts them on a train and sends them on a ride. A ride that is fast and hot and hard. A ride that you’ll love and hate with equal passion. Why don’t I ever find that kind of train?
Kris Salvador doesn’t put unnecessary words in her Ride. A story with a perfect balance of plot and smut. The best smut! We all were still screaming for more but when she was done, they were done. And it was perfectly done.
Now...wanna go for a ride?
Words With Strangers by Nolebucgrl
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/7176635/1/Words_with_Strangers
EPOV Companion Piece to Words with Friends. Movie star Edward Cullen is done with women and focused on his career. A stranger reaches out to him via Words with Friends. Will her words change his mind? Twilight - Rated: M
Review by: JenRar http://www.fanfiction.net/u/1669516/
I just have to say it's an honor to review Nolebucgrl's Words with Strangers. I love Nole...her stuff is amazing.
Now to the nitty gritty. Words with Strangers is the companion piece to Words with Friends and tells the story through Edward's POV. Some of the chapters are a bit repetitive if you read the same part in Bella's POV, but I like to read them both anyway, because she does a fabulous job of getting into Edward's head. Yes, we “hear” the same dialogue, but what was Edward thinking when they talked? You don't know unless you read it from his POV. And Nole is good about telling you ahead of time if the chapters are virtually the same or if there are enough differences, you need to read both. Even when she said they were the same, I still read both—because like I said, I love getting into Edward's head, and she does it so well.
Now to the heart of the story... Bella and her friends are huge fans of movie star Edward Cullen. One day, they see him on an interview talking about playing Words with Friends—you know, that game you can play on your phone and what not—and she and Alice both decided to try and figure out his username to play with him.
Imagine sitting down at your computer, trying to figure out what Robert Pattinson's username is. You could try silly things like his actual name (but he'd be kind of stupid to do that. ;) ), or KStewLuvr, or EdwardCullenRocks. That's the dilemma Alice and Bella are faced with—and when both start talking to someone, they both think they are right. Of course, this wouldn't be a Bella/Edward fic if Alice was the one talking to him, would it?
So Words with Strangers opens on the day Edward receives a new game invite from someone named BluBell22. He decides what the heck, he might as well see if it's someone he knows, so he plays and then asks if he knows them before closing the game. When he comes back, it's their first conversation :
______________________________________________________________
No, I just wanted someone new to play with.
You and me both, my new friend. Too bad the only playing I'd be doing would be with myself for awhile.
Oh, I didn't mean it like that! Sorry, I'm a spaz.
I found myself laughing. A spaz? That was different. Well, better a spaz than a stalker, right?
She/he had played spy. Hmm, that was an interesting choice of words to go with my stalker thought. Oh well, what was the harm in responding? I needed to find out if my new friend was a male or a female, because calling them he/she was kind of dumb. Time to have a little fun with my spaz.
A spaz? That's too bad. Here I was thinking my favorite cheese had come to life and was reaching out to me. I guess my nutritionist will be thankful that's not the case. I like playing with someone new, on occasion. Your move, Cheese Girl/Guy?
We'll see what they have to say to that. I played phage on their spy. Dad would be so proud of me retaining some of his medical knowledge, though I'd actually learned that one when I'd guested on Grey's Anatomy.
I closed the app just as Garrett told me it was almost time. Here we go again.
________________________________________________________________________
That's how their communication is for quite a while, and their relationship grows from there. It's so fun to watch as they both develop feelings for one another. I don't want to give a lot away, but suffice it to say, it isn't a totally smooth road!
One other thing Nolebucgrl does well is her side characters. I will state here (and I told her this in reviews, too! LOL) that I HATE Alice at first. I love her now, but she is a hard pill to swallow at first. But Rose (Bella's other friend) and Emmett (Edward's brother) are the perfect companions for Bella and Edward and just so much fun to read. Not only are Rose and Emmett great, but Edward's manager and publicist, Garrett and Kate, and his parents—his mother, especially—Esme and Carlisle, are quite hysterical. I've laughed so hard I've nearly been in tears several times because of one of more of those people.
To me, that's the mark of a great fic writer. There are a lot of people who can write an Edward (and Bella) that we fall in love with. Let's face it...Edward isn't a hard character to make lovable! But in the books, the other characters are mainly in the background. Nolebucgrl can take her side characters and make them just as lovable, just as fun and funny, without them taking over the story. They make you want to be their friend or their family member. I love that. There's not a review that goes by that I don't mention one or more of them when they appear. They are just that damn good.
If you haven't given Words with Strangers (and by extension Words with Friends!) a shot, this is your chance. She posts fairly regularly, so you'll never be left wanting *too* long, and they are fun, easy, and highly entertaining reads. Plus, the eventual lemons are damn well worth the wait! WWF/WWS gets a definite 5 out of 5 stars for me. (And don't forget to check out her other stories. First & Ten and Sideline Collision are both also brilliant.)
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